Greetings, worshipers of me, The Science™! I’m sure you’re all feeling very sad and anxious about my impending retirement as the head government dispenser of mask and vaccine propaganda. For the last 2.5 years, I’ve kept you busy changing from one performative display of virtue to another, in order to keep up with the ever-changing Science™. You’re probably wondering, “How ever will I be able to live my life without Dr. Fauci’s daily advice?” But don’t worry! I’ll still be around to help my replacement fill your fearful little brains with super-sciency scientific guidance.
And don’t worry about my no longer being the highest paid employee of the federal government, and that I’ll be forced to live in a cardboard box under a freeway overpass. I’ll still have a nice fat pension, and all those royalties from vaccine and virus patents, like the patents I helped Moderna get by giving them tons of money and contracts.
Plus I’m thinking of writing my memoir (draft title: How I Saved the World From the Worst Disease Ever), which I hope will get a huge Obama-sized advance.
I’m also looking forward to regular TV appearances where I will continue to make up scientific-sounding reasons for you to keep complying with government mandates.
Speaking engagements should also be super-helpful when I need to buy a new yacht or mansion. Hillary Clinton showed how lucrative that strategy can be.
The really great thing about my retiring now is that when people eventually find out that the vaccines and masks I pushed so hard are actually worthless and even harmful, and when people remember that I funded the coronavirus gain-of-function research in China, I won’t be around to blame. I’ll just use that classic Clintonian excuse: “Mistakes Were Made”. I can simply blame underlings and pretend I didn’t know what was going on.
So be reassured that I’ll still be around to dispense my Pharma-pfriendly brand of The Science™, and to accept your continued worship of my awesome awesomeness.