Greetings, believers in The Science™! As you may know, I’m the very sciency scientific scientist whose steaming pile of C++ code was used to justify lockdowns all over the world. The lockdowns didn’t do anything to stop the Worst Disease Ever, and impoverished the bank accounts and social lives of millions of people. But that’s all OK. Let me explain why.
First, let’s talk about that glorious heap of C++ code that I wrote to model pandemics. I started working on this code back in 2001, when I knew diddly squat about software engineering. But as I mentioned earlier, I’m a super-sciency scientist, so I knew I could write C++ code with one brain lobe tied behind my back. Pretty soon I had an awesome modeling program that ignored every rule of good software engineering:
For starters, all 15000 lines of code were in one file. Keep it simple, that’s my motto! Why confuse yourself with modular code and multiple files?
I hardly wrote any comments, because comments are for wusses. Remember, I’m a super-smart brainy physicist. I don’t need no steenking comments! Plus comments wear out my fingers from all that typing.
I used lots of variables with single character names. Who needs variable names that make sense when you’re a genius like me? And as with the comments, who wants to do all that extra typing?
The program produces different results every time you run it. That’s not a bug, it’s a feature! And it’s an awesome feature, too, because it means I can run the program until I get the result I want – the scariest result being the best. My other motto is: If it compiles, it’s good.
So what’s this dumpster fire of a C++ program good for? Making scary, unrealistic predictions that turn out to be wrong every time, that’s what! This is totally great, because it means I get to scare both the government and the citizens into doing things that don’t make any sense. For example, my model made mad cow disease look like the Apocalypse, so everybody went around killing cows unnecessarily.
Then in 2020, my model made the Worst Disease Ever look like Apocalypse 2.0, which allowed governments to get away with implementing society- and rights-destroying lockdowns everywhere in the world. What a rush it gave me to know that I had this much power!
Now, you might have noticed that in both cases, my model’s predictions of deaths were orders of magnitude too high. That’s because my model is designed to make the future look way worse than reality. But that’s totally OK, because I can claim, without any justification, that all the killings and lockdowns that were made in response to my model’s predictions were what made things better.
You might also remember that during the first lockdown that my model justified, I broke the rules by having my sex partner visit me so we could enjoy some well-earned nookie, while you had to stay home and not be allowed to visit your sick relatives or friends in hospitals. But as I mentioned before, I’m a super-smart sciency scientist, and I’m super-important to the government’s program to control every aspect of your life, so it’s OK for me to break the rules. Rules are for you pea-brained serfs, not me!
Oh, and about that steaming pile of C++ modeling code? You can’t have it! I gave it to a bunch of geeks at Github, who started modifying it so they could understand it better. You can find their version here. But they must be idiots, because they split it up into multiple files, fixed some bugs, and added comments. My original one-file, bug-ridden code, which was used to justify lockdowns, is all mine, mine, I say! It’s too awesome for you mental midgets to understand, so I’m keeping it to myself.