A Modest Proposal
Or, a new approach to Safe and Effective™
When my kids were little, in the 1980s, they got three vaccinations, if I recall correctly. Now the CDC says kids should get more than sixty shots by time they’re 18. If so, this means that life in this germ-filled world is 20 times more dangerous than it was 40 years ago. It must be true, because babies now get a hepatitis shot on day one, which means that most mothers these days must be heroin-addicted prostitutes.
So if these 60 shots are really Safe and Effective™, as our doctors and experts keep saying, adults should demonstrate their confidence in them by taking all of the shots that their kids are taking, in the same order and at the same time. This means that starting today, you’ll take the hepatitis shot, and then take shots every three months at your “adult wellness” visits. In 18 years, you’ll be fully vaccinated against every possible scary germ, and maybe against ones we don’t even know about today. Besides, you never know when you might want to have sex with a heroin-addicted prostitute, so better safe than sorry!
So adults, I appeal to you to put your arms where your mouth is, and take those shots to prove to yourself that your kids are being taken care of in the best possible way.
Now, I can imagine some uncaring adults might object to this very reasonable program.
We don’t need the shots now, we have natural immunity. Really? Back in 2021 we were told that we were misinformation-spreading conspiracy theorists if we said we believed in natural immunity. So which is it?
Older adults shouldn’t take that many shots, it’s not good for them. Really? Why is that? If it’s not safe for elders, why is it safe for kids? Is it because old adults’ immune systems aren’t strong enough? But supposedly we’re giving all those shots to the kids because their immune systems aren’t strong. So why is it that what’s bad for elders is good for kids?
It’s expensive. But your kids are worth the expense. Why aren’t you?
Shots provide long-lasting immunity. we don’t need them all the time. Really? Why are you taking Covid boosters? Those first shots were supposed to make you immune for life. Rachel Maddow said so on TV, and she’s an expert and wouldn’t lie! And why do kids keep having to take the same kinds of shots repeatedly, if they’re long-lasting?
Put those selfish excuses behind you and do what’s right. Public figures like Bill Gates (aka “The Powerpoint Jesus”, according to eugyppius) should be the first. Gates keeps sending vaccines to poor people in Africa; he should demonstrate their safety by taking them himself before shipping them to Africa. After all, Gates is a medical expert, and his demonstration would go a long way towards bolstering the Safe and Effective™ story.
The exponntial growth in recommended shots does raise questions about how our health authorities communicat risk and necessity. By flipping the script and suggesting adults follow the same schedule you highlight the disconnect between what we ask of children and what we would accept ourselvs. It's a clever way to prompt people to think critically about the balance between public health and personal autonomy. While vaccines have saved countless lives transparency about the reasoning behind each addition would help build trust. Provocations like this encourage more people to engage with the details rather than passively accept slogans.
A marvellous bit of mockery but I worry that some people, still terrified of 'Covid', would take it deadly seriously and demand all the kiddies' jabs, too. Just to be on the 'safe' side.