An Introduction to the New Face Diaper Science™
Greetings, worshipers of The Science™! If you’re still wearing a face diaper in the delusional belief that it will stop the Worst Disease Ever, congratulations! You’ve told the world that you’re a good, virtuous, obedient right-thinker, while simultaneously showing your approval of our New and Improved Science™. This great New Science™ isn’t anything like the bad old science, so let’s explore what this means when you’re trying to understand why you still have to wear a face diaper.
First, you need to throw out everything you thought you learned about science in school. Forget about the fact that aerosol-borne viruses are much smaller than the pores in a face diaper. Size doesn’t matter when it comes to The New Science™ of the Worst Virus Ever! What matters is that you believe that what you’re doing is safe and effective, not whether it actually is in reality.
So let’s look at the New Science™ of face diapers. Remember how you have to wear a face diaper when you’re walking into a restaurant for 30 seconds, but can take it off for the next hour while you’re seated? The bad old science might tell you that wearing a face diaper for less than 1% of the time in a restaurant isn’t effective. But the New Science™ has all sorts of theories that will allay your tiny niggling bits of doubt:
The Worst Virus Ever occupies a layer of the atmosphere that starts at 4.5 feet above ground, and never goes below that point.
The Worst Virus Ever can only detect a victim that is walking, and not sitting.
The Worst Virus Ever is polite, and won’t bother you while you’re eating.
The Worst Virus Ever knows you’re afraid of it, and out of sheer kindness won’t bother you.
The Worst Virus Ever is repelled by food.
Now that we’ve got Restaurant Science™ out of the way, let’s look at Music Science™. Most musicians have no problem wearing face diapers, because they’re using their hands and/or feet. But what about wind instruments? That’s simple: just cut a big mouth hole in the diaper:
Yes, you probably noticed that the mouth isn’t covered in this picture. But that’s OK: all you have to do is make sure that you only breathe in through your nose. Of course, you’re still spraying out particles of the Worst Virus Ever through your instrument, but if everybody else is wearing a face diaper, you’re all protected. (By the way, that’s another example of one of the basic rules of our Useless Safety Measures: these measures don’t work unless unless absolutely everybody is obedient.)
Now let’s look at some other situations. You’ve probably seen all those virtuous people who wear face diapers in their car with the windows rolled up, or who wear face diapers while walking around outside in bright sun with a breeze blowing. The bad old science would say you don’t need protection in those situations, but the New Science™ says otherwise. Remember, the face diaper is designed to remind you to be afraid, and you should be! The entire atmosphere of our planet is saturated with the Worst Virus Ever, so you need to protect yourself at all times.
How about social situations, like families in their homes? There again, you have to be afraid. Everybody in the entire world is a vector of the Worst Virus Ever, even your own kids – and even when they’re not sick. So you should wear a face diaper at all times indoors, too, even in the shower:
Now you might have thought to yourself: even if my face diaper could catch maybe 1% of the Worst Virus Ever coming out of my nose and mouth, what happens to those viruses that do get caught? Don’t worry your pretty little head about that – The New Science™ is coming to your rescue! Obviously, you’d never want those viruses to survive in ever growing numbers on your mucus-laden face diaper. Think of how many millions of those viruses would be sitting in your face diaper at the end of the day, only millimeters from your precious bodily fluids! So the face diaper must have some amazing virus-killing properties that even our most sciency scientific scientists have yet to understand.
In summary, think of your face diaper like magic rabbit’s foot, only better, because it signals to the world that you are a Good Fearful Person.