Athletes Dying of Coincidences

Greetings, future myocarditis patients! We at the Ministry of Truthiness are aware that you’ve been reading about all those highly fit young athletes dropping dead for reasons that baffle our very sciency scientific scientists. But rest assured that absolutely none of these deaths was caused by anything starting with the letter V that rhymes with “Max Bean”, i.e., our Glorious Goo. How many times do we have to tell you that our Glorious Goo is safe and effective? Well, it is! We said so! Trust the friggin’ Science™, already!

Anyway, back to those very sad deaths: We think it must be napping or bad shower habits or sarcasm or sleeping positions or climate change or racism that’s causing them. Or maybe all of the above! Or maybe just coincidences! After all, the world is a dangerous place now.

But in the meantime, the next time we offer you a booster – er, we mean update – of the Glorious Goo, Just Do It!