Greetings, obedient serfs! We at the Ministry of Truthiness have told you in previous messages about some of the key phrases you can use to help us spread our propaganda. But we thought it would make it easier on you to collect them all in one place. Memorize them well, and you’ll know exactly how to reinforce our message of fear and suppress dissent.
Remember all those phrases we taught you to use in early 2020, when we mandated lockdowns in response to your irrational panic about the Worst Disease Ever? Unfortunately, we haven’t had lockdowns for a while now, but rest assured that we’ll bring them back if “cases” rise too much, or if monkeypox gets out of control, or some new variant comes along, or some other scary thing. Then you’ll want to have the following phrases handy:
Two
weeksmonthsyearswhatever to flatten the curveHospitals are overloaded
We’re in this together
Stay home, save granny
I like working from home
Thank essential workers
Six feet safe
Follow the one-way arrows
Lockdowns save lives
Isolate/quarantine for two weeks
Don’t cross state boundaries
Clap for carers (popular in the UK)
“Cases” are up
Then soon after lockdowns, we got you to overcome your fear of asphyxiation, and wear face masks that were completely useless in stopping viruses. Here are some of the phrases you can use to shame others into using your favorite virtue signals:
It’s just a piece of cloth
My mask protects you, your mask protects me
Wear a mask indoors
Wear a mask outdoors
Wear one mask
Wear two masks
Wear a mask in a restaurant, except when seated
Masks save lives
“Cases” are up
Then we brought you the Glorious Goo: an experimental gene therapy with no long-term safety data, that doesn’t stop infection or transmission, and brought to you by companies that had either never produced a viable product before, or had previously paid billions of dollars in fraud fines. But we reassured you that the Glorious Goo was Glorious by using the following catch-phrases:
Safe and effective
Stops the virus dead in its tracks
Prevents infection and transmission
Adverse reactions just mean it’s working
Only one jab needed
Only two jabs needed
Only one booster needed
Boosters every N months (where N depends on country, e.g. in Canada N=9)
Safe and effective (it’s worth repeating on an hourly basis)
Trust the experts
Follow the Science
Would have been worse without the Goo
Cases are up (always good to keep the fear alive)
Now, you might have heard some misinformation about people getting heart attacks, or strokes, or blood clots, or myocarditis, or just “dying suddenly” for no reason after injecting the Glorious Goo. But those are just coincidences! Here is a list of all the approved reasons why people are dropping dead unexpectedly:
New kind of highly reactive chemical in earth’s atmosphere
Hot weather
Cold weather
Climate change
Caffeine
Covid variants
Energy bill price rise
Falling asleep with the TV on
Uncontrollable laughter
“Safe” levels of alcohol
Gum disease
Skipping breakfast
Vegan cheese
Daylight saving time
Erectile dysfunction
Standing on one leg
Breathing too many times a day
Christmas Tree Syndrome
Women’s use of sex toys
Traffic noise
Too much freedom
Solar storms
Sock lines around ankles
Flight delays
Certain sleeping positions
Contact with soil while gardening
Snow shoveling
Post-pandemic Stress Disorder
Being sarcastic
But what about all those no-good bad evil terrible people who don’t wear masks and didn’t take the Glorious Goo? Well, we have a special category of hate phrases you can use against them during your Two Minute Hate on social media:
Covidiot
Anti-vaxxer
Right-wing extremist
Trumpster
Granny killer
Conspiracy theorist
Racist
Selfish
Freedumb lover
Murderer
Anti-science
Super spreader
Misinformation spreader
Pandemic of the unvaccinated
And here is a list of all the things that these no-goodniks shouldn’t be allowed to do. We’ve already implemented some of them, and some of them we really want to implement, if we can only get enough buy-in from ignorant legislators and health officials:
Go to indoor concerts (thanks, Vermont!)
Join singing groups (thanks, Vermont!)
Leave the country (thanks, Canada!)
Buy food (thanks, Noam Chomsky!)
Fly on airplanes
Go to restaurants
Take public transporation
Buy gas
Participate in every part of society (we wish!)