Greetings, propaganda believers! We at the Ministry of Truthiness are alarmed to discover that everything we said about the Worst Disease Ever and the Glorious Goo turned out to be wrong. We know that’s going to cause your brains to hurt from all that cognitive dissonance that you’re going to experience now, after three years in which you regurgitated our incessant (and now discredited) propaganda.
But not to worry! You can still make yourself come out looking virtuous and sciency by crafting the appropriately apologetic non-apology, in which you admit that mistakes were made, without actually saying which mistakes, and without actually admitting guilt. Here are three possible strategies for your face-saving social media post or magazine op-ed:
We Couldn’t Have Known
In this non-apology, claim that The Science™ just wasn’t available way back when you were making all sorts of insane claims, so you couldn’t possibly have known you were wrong. The people who said you were wrong couldn’t have known you were wrong either, for the same reason. They were just lucky, so of course it made sense that they had to be censored and cancelled and shunned and shamed. You just couldn’t be too careful back when things were really scary. Now that The Science™ has changed, just say “Oopsie” and “Let’s forget it all happened.”
They Were Right For The Wrong Reasons
In this non-apology, also known as the “I Am The Dilbert Genius” excuse, you use some fancy block diagrams to show that you used The Science™ all along, whereas the people you shamed and ostracized just used distrust of government. Unfortunately, The Science™ came up with the wrong answer, despite being pure and holy and free of bias, political pressure, and monetary incentives. The people you shamed and ostracized came up with the right answer, but for all the wrong reasons. Therefore, you are still right despite being completely wrong. Yay you! You’re the smartest person on the planet!
They Didn’t Tell Us The Truth
In this non-apology, you claim that couldn’t have known that you were wrong, because the people who were right didn’t tell you that you were wrong! That’s right: the people you censored and cancelled and ignored and ostracized just kept the truth to themselves. Those evil, selfish bastards could have saved the world, but they just didn’t, because they were, as we said, evil, selfish bastards. This strategy allows you to become the victim, even if your actions destroyed the lives of all the people you hated and shamed and punished and censored because they disagreed with you.
Come Up With Your Own Excuse
These non-apologies are just a sample of the ways you can save face. Feel free to come up with your own excuses. You just have to make it look like you were right even though you were totally wrong. Orwell would be proud!
Great post, Mark. You're truly (truthily) living up to your name.