Greetings, obedient serfs! We at the Ministry of Truthiness are mostly happy with how you obeyed our Roolz about The Worst Disease Ever and the Glorious Goo over the last 2.5 years. But we’re aware that some of you are getting a bit lax about the Roolz. So we want to take this opportunity to remind you of all the Roolz we’ve imposed on you during this scary period. Some of the Roolz contradict each other, none of them is supported by actual science, and most of them are actually harmful. But that doesn’t matter, because the important thing is that you get used to obeying the Roolz. That way, when we decide to mandate new Roolz in the future due to some new Scary Thing, you won’t hesitate to do the right thing and obey us.
Besides, The Science™ is what we say it is, not what some pesky scientists who disagree with us say it is.
So with that out of the way, here are some of the Roolz that we expected you to obey over the last 2.5 years. If you want to be considered a Good Citizen and be allowed to participate in society, you should continue to follow these Roolz, even if, as we mentioned before, they don’t make any sense or contradict each other.
Wear a mask (or better yet, two!).
Wear a mask outside.
Wear a mask indoors.
Wear a mask in all public spaces.
Wear a mask when entering a restaurant, but not while seated in said restaurant.
Wear a mask on public transportation.
Wear a mask on airplanes and in airports.
Wear a mask while having sex.
Make newborn infants wear a mask.
Make kids wear masks all day at school.
Make hospital patients wear a mask, even they have trouble breathing.
Heck, just wear a mask all the time.
Stay at home.
Only leave home for an hour a day, and only for certain approved activities.
Don’t visit sick relatives or friends in hospitals; it’s better to let them die alone and afraid.
Don’t have friends over for holiday celebrations.
Isolate at home for 14 days if you cross a state boundary.
In the USA, stand six feet apart from another person (5’11” is totally safe, though).
In other countries, stand 2 meters apart from another person (1999 cm is totally safe, though).
Follow one-way arrows in stores.
Don’t allow more than a small number people in stores, and force people to wait outside until someone else leaves.
Erect plastic barriers around checkout counters in stores and libraries.
Sanitize your hands after touching anything that has touched another person.
Sanitize pens used in waiting rooms.
Sanitize your groceries when you get home.
Sanitize all surfaces in your house or business establishment that are touched by a guest or customer.
Take all experimental injections (aka the Glorious Goo).
Ostracize and shame granny-killers who do not take the Glorious Goo.
Do not allow uninjected granny-killers to enter concert venues, museums, or libraries.
Do not allow uninjected granny-killers to participate in adult education or other social activities.
Censor anyone on social media who questions the Roolz.
Fire any news media reporter who questions the Roolz.
Fire any scientist who questions the Roolz.
Take away the medical license of any doctor who questions the Roolz.
Repeat the mantra: “The Glorious Goo is safe and effective”.
Repeat the mantra: “It would have been worse without the Glorious Goo.”
Repeat the mantra: “My mask protects you”.
Repeat the mantra: “Trust the Science™”.